I am no stranger to saving the world. You may have heard, or seen, or been unlucky enough to be roped into my 21st birthday’s attempt. We still don’t know the exact nature of the antagonistic forces we were fighting, or their motives; all we know is that something had to be vanquished. Like in every war. What went on in that particular one? It involved
a cardboard Tardis door pasted over a room door a Tardis, which was obviously bigger on the inside, within which interviews were conducted with the unwitting future heroes about their hopes and fears. How many heroes volunteer to save the world anyway? No, the burden is thrust upon their chests, and only the noblest of the noble have strength enough to grin through their pain.
“This is harder than NS!”
— Testimony from yoggi, as he crawled through
the blanket fort a treacherous land full of terror and danger where the Tardis had landed.
Thanks to their valiant efforts, we are alive to behold 2019 — just barely. A different group of quest-doers was summoned into a relatively nondescript room in a standard 93sqm HDB flat by a mysterious voice booming from the ether, which sounded suspiciously dog-like. The voice, I mean, not the ether. The ether mostly made its presence known through rectangular 6-inch screens that emit brilliant light and thunder with the force of their prophecies, especially when you forget to turn on Do Not Disturb after you turn in for the night. Having conveyed a vague wish for these individuals to gather, the voice then disappeared into the night, rendering no assistance whatsoever to their mission. I don’t think the voice even knew what the mission was.
So be it. It has always been up to humanity to save our own asses.
And so, armed with a controller, the four chosen members — henceforth known as hq, susimeow, scarlettmeow, and yours truly — the presence of so many cats a quirk of destiny, or perhaps to combat the rather useless doggy force that had brought us together — launched into a campaign of Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime.
It was up to us defend the galaxy against the forces of Anti-Love, which had spawned from an engineering failure and threatened to suck the whole universe into a vacuum, on top of kidnapping various space creatures. Figures we would be responsible for our own destruction. We are our greatest demons. Could we undo the horror we had unleashed upon the galaxy? Us, four millennials, equipped with nothing more than the power of friendship? And a spaceship. Friendship in a spaceship.
Yes. Yes we can.
We quickly settled on roles: I was the driver, susimeow controlled the shield, while hq and scarlettmeow scurried around the four turrets and annihilated about everything that moved. (Except for the bunnies/frogs/foxes/chickens?? we were supposed to save. Doh.) Susimeow proved her mettle with her lightning reflexes in directing the shield in split second responses to sudden threats. Hq and scarlettmeow were like thousand-armed buddhas as they handled 4 turrets between the two of them. We peered hard at maps, planning our way through the least treacherous paths. And I steered them through it all, avoiding asteroids, strong currents, bear gashes, dwarf stars, nuclear bomb explosions… Along the way we picked up spaceship upgrades, and found our favourites — hq was especially fond of his 2x swinging chainsaw-blades; scarlettmeow, her rapidfire laser beams; while at the very last stage we combined a chain and laser power-up to conjure a monster of a claw shield for susi which grew long arms with every attack it absorbed. With the power of teamwork and the appropriate number of restarts, we emerged victorious, drenched with the space blood of our enemies and clinging on to our last drops of health, as every overtold hero’s journey dictates.
When will our world-saving powers be called upon again? May they never be needed, as peace reigns forevermore in our fragile universe. Alas, I fear this hard-earned stability is short-lived…